Friday, December 16, 2011

Engineers Jokes

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on ashiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my ownbusiness when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn'thave fit."

A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.

The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."

The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."

The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."

The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground."

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbeanfor the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of hislife.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went downalmost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore ofan island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person,no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were somebananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, andforlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next fourmonths he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked tothe sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard andlooking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of hiseye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the cornerof the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous womanhe had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall,tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her analmost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving andyelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boattowards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman (who was a mechanical engineer). "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman (who was also a geologist), "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed."

" I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron," said the woman (who was also an accomplished metallurgist). "I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place,"she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman (who was also a bodybuilder) easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white (she was also a civil engineer and an architect).

"It's not much, " she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," said the woman (who was, of course, also a chemical engineer, experienced in brewing and distillation), "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism (as you've probably guessed, she had a degree in Industrial Design as well). The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me.... Can I check my email from here?"

Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers
10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system.

9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment".

8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

7. - We have significant figures.

6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies.

5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?

4. - Engineers do it to specification.

3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.

2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for and enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

"The Sex Life of an Electron" By D.C. Current & Eddie Currents

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Henry decided to try to get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Mega cycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around by the sine wave, and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro Henry, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field was fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted his probe into her test socket, connected them in paralell, and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited Millie Amp exclaimed, "Mho, mho, mho." With his tube operating at it's maximum peak current and her coil vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak potential. The excess current flow had gotten her coil hot and Micro Henry started rapidly discharging and soon had drained off every last electron.

They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets, until Micro Henry's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength. Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoid. With his batteries fully discharged, Micro Henry was unable to further excite his generator, so they ended it all by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

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